The cost of marriage: £1 million a week

The Count has decided that he is going to marry Sir Paul McCartney. Single sex marriages are all the rage nowadays, but Sir Elton John has already been nabbed. The next best knight for a night is Macca. Of course, first he must ditch the bitch: Heather. The tears (of joy and laughter) fell from the count's face to hear her explain that she is not a gold digger. So I presume we will soon hear that she will leave the marriage with the same assets as she had when it started and will not take the £200 million which Messrs Sue Grabbit and Run and promoting: that is £1 million a week for each week of marriage. Even the Countess does not run the plastic quite that hard. Rest assured, however, that the Count is a gold digger, so he will be very relieved to hear that the £200 million will be left untouched for the Count to nab when he divorces Macca in a couple of years time.

This plan is bound to succeed. I am sure that Macca would like to be upgraded from being a Sir to a Countess (or whatever the single sex version of a Count is). Heather is on her way out. I may have to play for the sympathy vote with Macca. Last time he went for a one legged bird. A legless bird should be an absolute winner. The current countess complains that I am constantly legless as it is, so I should be in with a shout. Unfortunately, the current countess will have to go, taking with her my entire net worth of several mega millions of debt.

Things are looking up.