A horse, a tank or a load of *******
The Countess has got it into her head that she needs to buy a T-72. When she announced this, the Count did what husbands have done down the millenia: I muttered "yes dear" and then quietly hid the credit card. I innocently thought that a T-72 was a camera, or new designer label.
I then got called by Vladimir, who has both got me into and out of more scrapes than I care to count. He was very happy. Besides being a fixer, a bounder and a second hand car salesman he also has an interesting side line in military equipment. It turns out that a T-72 is a main battle tank from the old Soviet Union. Those which were not destroyed by Uncle Sam in Iraq are now being flogged off for the odd crate of vodka or greenback to the likes of Vladimir. The new Russia has a new tank, the T-90 and wants to get rid of the old lot. It appears he had worked his dubious charms on the Countess who was now set on a T-72.
I diplomatically asked the Countess why she needed a Soviet battle tank in central London.
"School run. Safest option" She said. The she gave it away "Anyway, I am not going to be looked down on by those dreadful jumped-up Abramovichs in their fleet of ugly cars."
The Count then made a fatal error. I tried fighting social competitiveness, masquerading as safety, with logic. I had to hand a bullshit study by the Lampl foundation which showed that the cost of the school run was £580 million a year, and for a mere £120 million year the government could eliminate this cost. Not only that it would reduce social exclusion, save the environment and we would all live happily after. Tears came to the Count's eyes as he read the report. When he had finally finished laughing and wiped away the tears he did the Count's three step dance on the report:
Step One: the illogical start. Start by claiming an implausible cost of a problem. The £580 million saving is based on the idea that instead of doing the school run, all the "hard working mothers" (to quote our hard working chancellor) will be working hard earning money. Casual observation of the Countess would indicate that stopping the school run would not save money: it would cost money. The Countess would be let loose on the shops for two more prime shopping hours every day. The thought fills the Count with dread.
Step two: the implausible cost of the solution. The solution proposed by the Lampl foundation is that Britain should convert en masse to yellow school buses which will only cost £120 million a year. Except that this nets off existing transport subsidies of £60 million a year, so in practice the real cost is £180 million a year. And that is probably as reliable an estimate as the cost estimates for the Channel Tunnel, Wembley Stadium, the Jubilee Line and the Olympics. Like all dodgy builders, these pressure groups put in a low estimate and once the buyer is committed, the price suddenly and inexorably rises out of all recognition.
Step three: the daft outcome. At the end of this, the government can be sure it will be spending another £180 million (£280m, £380m??) The savings will have vanished faster than a bottle of vodka in the hands of mad Uncle Vanya. And the Countess will still be insisting on buying a Soviet battle tank, for just the same reasons as everyone else wants a 4x4 in central London. At least the Countess will have no problems parking: at 41 tons the tank will crush any vehicle in the way; it will be totally safe; she can look down on all her neighbours; any pesky traffic wardens can be dealt with by the 7.62mm machine gun, or by a quick blast of the exhaust fumes. At a steady 75kph it goes significantly faster than a Ferrari: Ferraris have to stop for other traffic, a T-72 simply goes over the top of other traffic.
The Count tried all this logic on the Countess: the response was frostier than Moscow in February. At this point, the Count had yet another stroke of genius, and summonsed up his cossack breeding and heritage.
There is a far better solution than either the Countess or the sad anoraks at the Lampl foundation who dream up bad answers to bad problems supported by bad numbers. Like all good cossacks, children should be obliged to go to school on horseback (or walk barefoot if they can not afford the horse, stables and servants to look after the horses). This is a solution our Mayor should approve of greatly. In his naive and mistaken view, horses are zero emission vehicles, so they escape the congestion charge and we get to save the planet. On a decent horse, you also get to look down on 4x4 owners physically, socially, ecologically and morally.
I then got called by Vladimir, who has both got me into and out of more scrapes than I care to count. He was very happy. Besides being a fixer, a bounder and a second hand car salesman he also has an interesting side line in military equipment. It turns out that a T-72 is a main battle tank from the old Soviet Union. Those which were not destroyed by Uncle Sam in Iraq are now being flogged off for the odd crate of vodka or greenback to the likes of Vladimir. The new Russia has a new tank, the T-90 and wants to get rid of the old lot. It appears he had worked his dubious charms on the Countess who was now set on a T-72.
I diplomatically asked the Countess why she needed a Soviet battle tank in central London.
"School run. Safest option" She said. The she gave it away "Anyway, I am not going to be looked down on by those dreadful jumped-up Abramovichs in their fleet of ugly cars."
The Count then made a fatal error. I tried fighting social competitiveness, masquerading as safety, with logic. I had to hand a bullshit study by the Lampl foundation which showed that the cost of the school run was £580 million a year, and for a mere £120 million year the government could eliminate this cost. Not only that it would reduce social exclusion, save the environment and we would all live happily after. Tears came to the Count's eyes as he read the report. When he had finally finished laughing and wiped away the tears he did the Count's three step dance on the report:
Step One: the illogical start. Start by claiming an implausible cost of a problem. The £580 million saving is based on the idea that instead of doing the school run, all the "hard working mothers" (to quote our hard working chancellor) will be working hard earning money. Casual observation of the Countess would indicate that stopping the school run would not save money: it would cost money. The Countess would be let loose on the shops for two more prime shopping hours every day. The thought fills the Count with dread.
Step two: the implausible cost of the solution. The solution proposed by the Lampl foundation is that Britain should convert en masse to yellow school buses which will only cost £120 million a year. Except that this nets off existing transport subsidies of £60 million a year, so in practice the real cost is £180 million a year. And that is probably as reliable an estimate as the cost estimates for the Channel Tunnel, Wembley Stadium, the Jubilee Line and the Olympics. Like all dodgy builders, these pressure groups put in a low estimate and once the buyer is committed, the price suddenly and inexorably rises out of all recognition.
Step three: the daft outcome. At the end of this, the government can be sure it will be spending another £180 million (£280m, £380m??) The savings will have vanished faster than a bottle of vodka in the hands of mad Uncle Vanya. And the Countess will still be insisting on buying a Soviet battle tank, for just the same reasons as everyone else wants a 4x4 in central London. At least the Countess will have no problems parking: at 41 tons the tank will crush any vehicle in the way; it will be totally safe; she can look down on all her neighbours; any pesky traffic wardens can be dealt with by the 7.62mm machine gun, or by a quick blast of the exhaust fumes. At a steady 75kph it goes significantly faster than a Ferrari: Ferraris have to stop for other traffic, a T-72 simply goes over the top of other traffic.
The Count tried all this logic on the Countess: the response was frostier than Moscow in February. At this point, the Count had yet another stroke of genius, and summonsed up his cossack breeding and heritage.
There is a far better solution than either the Countess or the sad anoraks at the Lampl foundation who dream up bad answers to bad problems supported by bad numbers. Like all good cossacks, children should be obliged to go to school on horseback (or walk barefoot if they can not afford the horse, stables and servants to look after the horses). This is a solution our Mayor should approve of greatly. In his naive and mistaken view, horses are zero emission vehicles, so they escape the congestion charge and we get to save the planet. On a decent horse, you also get to look down on 4x4 owners physically, socially, ecologically and morally.
posted by Count Kostov at
1:58 pm
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