The cost of oil
The Count has it on good authority that the end of the world is nigh. The Amazon Queens who drive their little princesses to school in their Chelsea tractors are aghast at the cost of oil and are convinced that the entire universe will collapse if they have to give up their Chelsea tractors in favour of more humble modes of transport, like walking the little darlings to school. Walking may be healthier, but it means that mum can not look down from her chariot on low life pedestrians and can not play one unpwomanship with all the other school mums in their 4x4 chariots. It would, indeed, be the end of the world for them.
This is a sore point in the Count's household. The Countess is determined that a 4x4 is not safe enough and is still hankering after the T-72 main battle tank as a safer mode of transport for going along to Whole Foods, where she can save the planet by buying organic food (which costs more than the whole bloody T-72) while killing anyone who disagrees with her with a blast of exhaust from the tank.
Things went really wrong when I tried to explain how expensive petrol was. She got out her intellectual shot gun, loaded both barrels and blasted away. It was not a pretty sight. First, she pointed out that at $120 a barrel it still only costs about 30 pence per litre. That is before the government has got hold of it and added another 80 pence of tax to help pay for MPs televisions, sofas, second houses, first class travel and all the other basic necessities of maintaining democracy. For reasons which remain entirely obscure, they do not tax airline fuel which is why flights are so cheap, provided you do not want to check in, have hand baggage, require a seat or have any of the other items which Ryanair clearly deem to be a luxury. But I digress.
Pumping oil out of the bottom of the sea, or from some godforsaken part of the world (anyone who has had the misfortune to work in Riyadh can guess where such places might be), then refining it, transporting it and finally selling it for 30 pence (plus 80 pence of tax) is a bargain.
Water costs about £1.80 per litre from my local newsagent, which may explain why he can afford big holidays and the Kostovs have to hang out on their decrepit Siberian estates for a break. Don't tell me that bottling water is six times more expensive than producing oil. A StartFucks organic semi-skinned raspberry ripple frapuccino to go costs £6 a litre. A decent bottle of Krug comes in at £100 a litre (for heavens sake, its grapes - how much do grapes cost??) and printer ink for my lousy printer comes in at £3,000 a litre. Its probably not even organic. But it is a rip off.
The problem is not the cost of oil. The problem is that all the peasants want to whirl around the world: without sea, sun, sand, sex and sangria in Spain the peasants of Britain would be revolting at home rather than disgracing themselves abroad. Over a million people a year jet between New York and London - why? The peasants on the Kostov estates are happy enough drinking illicitly distilled vodka and shagging anything on two feet (or four feet at a push). These are simple communal and family pleasures which require the ability to do no more than stagger from one hut to the next.
And as for the school run - why cant we make the little beggars run? Solve the obesity pandemic, NHS tax burden and global warming all in one fell swoop.
This is a sore point in the Count's household. The Countess is determined that a 4x4 is not safe enough and is still hankering after the T-72 main battle tank as a safer mode of transport for going along to Whole Foods, where she can save the planet by buying organic food (which costs more than the whole bloody T-72) while killing anyone who disagrees with her with a blast of exhaust from the tank.
Things went really wrong when I tried to explain how expensive petrol was. She got out her intellectual shot gun, loaded both barrels and blasted away. It was not a pretty sight. First, she pointed out that at $120 a barrel it still only costs about 30 pence per litre. That is before the government has got hold of it and added another 80 pence of tax to help pay for MPs televisions, sofas, second houses, first class travel and all the other basic necessities of maintaining democracy. For reasons which remain entirely obscure, they do not tax airline fuel which is why flights are so cheap, provided you do not want to check in, have hand baggage, require a seat or have any of the other items which Ryanair clearly deem to be a luxury. But I digress.
Pumping oil out of the bottom of the sea, or from some godforsaken part of the world (anyone who has had the misfortune to work in Riyadh can guess where such places might be), then refining it, transporting it and finally selling it for 30 pence (plus 80 pence of tax) is a bargain.
Water costs about £1.80 per litre from my local newsagent, which may explain why he can afford big holidays and the Kostovs have to hang out on their decrepit Siberian estates for a break. Don't tell me that bottling water is six times more expensive than producing oil. A StartFucks organic semi-skinned raspberry ripple frapuccino to go costs £6 a litre. A decent bottle of Krug comes in at £100 a litre (for heavens sake, its grapes - how much do grapes cost??) and printer ink for my lousy printer comes in at £3,000 a litre. Its probably not even organic. But it is a rip off.
The problem is not the cost of oil. The problem is that all the peasants want to whirl around the world: without sea, sun, sand, sex and sangria in Spain the peasants of Britain would be revolting at home rather than disgracing themselves abroad. Over a million people a year jet between New York and London - why? The peasants on the Kostov estates are happy enough drinking illicitly distilled vodka and shagging anything on two feet (or four feet at a push). These are simple communal and family pleasures which require the ability to do no more than stagger from one hut to the next.
And as for the school run - why cant we make the little beggars run? Solve the obesity pandemic, NHS tax burden and global warming all in one fell swoop.
posted by Count Kostov at
3:30 pm
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home