£200,000 a vote

The Count and his ancestors always maintained a healthy distaste for democracy. Clearly, Gordon Brown shares the Count's aristocratic distrust of anything democratic. Having run away from four elections so far (Labour's leadership election, the dodged call for a general election, the promised EU referendum and the David Davis by-election) it is clear he is no fan of letting anyone other than G Brown vote on anything. His dislike is understandable. When forced into an election, his disasters include:

• Crewe (first Tory gain from Labour since the Ice Age)
• Henley (lost Labour's deposit),
• London (lost the plot and let a toff win, which at least shows Londoners have some sense)
• Glasgow East, which was Labour since the time God was born.

In his desperation to achieve popularity, he has resorted to bribery. When the Kostovs needed to rig an election, things were simple. We would give all our peasants a bottle of vodka and some nicely boiled cabbage, and they would vote the right way. Those who put their illiterate mark on the wrong part of the voting slip would promptly be evicted. This was a cheap and effective way of making sure that the voters made the right choice. Gordon Brown can not even bribe the electorate well.

In an attempt to buy the Glasgow East election, he threw £600 million at the electorate in the form of delaying a 2p rise in fuel duty. The dummy did not realise that if you need a car in Glasgow East, you steal it. When it runs out of petrol, you steal another car. So no one in Glasgow East has ever been near a petrol station, except to raid it, and no one pays fuel duty. His bribe missed the target completely. If he had given the Glaswegian voters the latest Scottish delicacy, a deep fried chocolate covered pizza, for free he would have earned their votes and adulation. So that was £600 million to gain less than 11,000 votes: over £50,000 per vote. That would buy as much deep fried pizza, dodgy booze, fags and dope to keep the whole constituency happy for decades. They could even afford to buy some petrol to torch the cars they have stolen.

And he still managed to lose the election. His corruption is forgivable: his incompetence is not. At least he should be able to rig an election properly. Even Mugabe does a better job: at least he manages to declare himself the winner.

Glasgow East was nothing compared to the disaster of Crewe. He decided to bribe the voters of Crewe by doing a U-Turn on his policy of doubling income tax on the poor. The last time the Kostovs tried doubling the tax on their poor, we were faced with 70 years of Communist revolution, Stalinism, gulags, bad television and worse food. Of course, Brown did not quite have the guts to say it was a U turn, so instead of repealing his tax rise he decided to throw £2.6 billion at some mind numbingly complex and inefficient scheme designed to make good the worst effects of his tax hike. Brown's £2.6 billion garnered him a grand total of 12,679 votes. That is £200,000 per vote. And still he lost. He is a genius in terms of incompetence.

However, the good news is that Gordon Brown can count on the Count's vote: slip the Count £200,000 (used notes, non sequential serial numbers please) and the Count would vote even for G Brown. Even better, give the Count a few billion and he will show the Prime Minister how to bribe voters efficiently, while letting the Count earn a nice little commission on the side.

Of course, there is a simpler alternative. Revert to aristocratic rule and do away with elections altogether. Count Kostov stands ready to serve....

The cost of a child: 61p ha ha ha

The toe rags at UNICEF have been at it again. They are trying to con money out of the hard of thinking and deep of wallet. Their advertising is full of doe-eyed kids, sad stories, big promises and even bigger lies.

UNICEF's big promise is that for 61p they can save a kid's life. If they can save the Kostov's kids for 61p, they are welcome to have a go, but trying might bankrupt even the spendthrifts at UNICEF. The 61p will "pay for the medicine to save a child's life". They reckon that they could save 3,400 kids a day or 1.24 million kids a year, all for 61p. Surely only a heartless bastard, or Count Kostov, would not give up 61p to save all those kiddies.

Now let's look a little further. The cost of saving the 1.24 million kids is about £750,000, or $1.5 million if you live on the roadkill-for-Jesus side of the Atlantic. UNICEF's annual budget was $2.78 billion in 2006. In other words, UNICEF could fund all the medicine for all the kids by spending just 5 cents out of every $100 of their income. Where does the other $99.95 cents go to? One way of finding out is to go to Timbuktu, where you will find all the aid agencies floating around in vast 4x4 vehicles with outsize ariels; their staff live in nice accomodation with local servants and drink and eat at nice expatriate watering holes. In other words, they are latter day colonialists but with the moral hypocrisy of spending other people's money while affecting their moral superiority over mere mortals like Count Kostov.

So now let's guess where your 61p will actually go. Will it:
a) go on saving kiddies lives (5 cents chance)
b) be spent on frapuccinos, large cars and international flights for UNICEF functionaries who like to maintain the lifestyle associated with such morally superior beings? ($99.95 chance)

Next time the CEO of UNICEF goes out for a nice $100 lunch, he will have the joy of reminding himself that his meal has cost the lives of over 100 kids, according to his own organisation's publicity. If there is a choice between cutting back on the CEO's restaurant bill or letting kids die, which decision does he make....?

In the unlikely chance that any of the money lands up with the kids, not with the UNICEF plutocrats, the result will be that our overpopulated planet will become even more overpopulated. For many centuries the Kostov estates did very well through war, famine and pestilence: it kept the population at a sustainable level. The black death was a bummer because so few peasants were left that they started to think they could gain thinks like money and democracy: a few generations of over-breeding re-established the natural order. Now we have overbred so much that the greenest thing the human race can do is to have a massive cull of itself: some combination of global warming, global pandemics and a few nutcases with nukes may provide for the involuntary cull of humanity that is required. Meanwhile, UNICEF are adding to the problem, not curing it, by encouraging ever-greater over-population. Hopefully, they are so wasteful and inefficient they will fail in their mission.

In the meantime, Count Kostov would like to get a list of the suckers who donate to UNICEF's scam. They should be ripe for the latest Kostov project: letting western investors buy up virgin forest on the Kostov estates to save them and reduce global warming. So far, my land agent has successfully issued certificates of title to the same plots five times over: the few people who come to check the forest have no idea that at least four other people have also bought the forest. And because it is a green investment, no one is allowed to touch or develop the forest which remains perfectly preserved for the Kostov hunting season.

The Count is back and ready to serve.

The count is back and is as pissed as hell. The countess says I should stop drinking so much.

The reason the count has been away is because he wanted to post a letter. This meant buying a postage stamp from the post office. He has been queueing for at least the last two years trying to get served. In the meantime, the Post Office network development managers decided to develop the network by destroying it: George Orwell would be proud of their double speak.

Being funded by the taxpayer, they had to consult on their plans to develop the network by closing it down. This sham involved politicians making speeches (be very worried when the loony left and loony right agree on anything). The post office said that we could object if we could show that the existing post offices were economic, but they would not release the financial data because of "commercial confidentiality". Then they said we could object of we could show that service at alternative post offices was not good enough, but they would not say what constituted "good enough" service. So the Count went to an alternative post office to buy a postage stamp and has been queueing ever since. Apparently, two years is an acceptable waiting time for buying a postage stamp. But they did send a letter to the count assuring him that the decision to close all the nearby post offices had taken full account of the local mountains and rivers that needed to be crossed: there are as few mountains in the plains of Cossack territory as there are in London: the count gets vertigo walking upstairs.

Perhaps it was not surprise to find that the post office is run by someone who used to run the Football Association: a degree in incompetence, complacency, buck shifting, arrogance, greed and stupidity is clearly required for both jobs, so his appointment made perfect sense. Above all, you need someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

As the network shirnks and service gets worse, fewer people will want to use the service: the dummies at the post office have clearly not understood this basic reality of network economics. As revenues fall, the post office will discover that they need to develop the network even more by cutting back even more. Eventually, the network will disappear as surely as the Cheshire cat. At the end, the only thing left will be the smile on the face of management as they collect their bonuses for managing the destruction of a viable business.

The true cost of this sham is to be seen in the queues and frustration at post offices and the ever declining trust that anyone has in officials, official statistics, official processes and the whole nature of government. Once upon a time it was possible to believe that government was on our side. It is now clearly becoming the enemy of the people: it is a machine that serves and protects itself at our cost.

The time has come to get rid the evil, faceless bureaucrats and put in place a government which is clearly impartial, competent and capable of looking after the nation: aristocrats are above the venality that corrupts modern government. Our time has come.

The Count has returned and will humbly accept the offer to become the leader of the people.